


In Too Deep

by huntersprey



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Eating Disorders, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-30
Updated: 2011-12-30
Packaged: 2017-10-28 13:08:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/308182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huntersprey/pseuds/huntersprey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Adam just wanted to make everyone happy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Too Deep

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Don't own any characters that are real people, please don't sue or show any of the people this is about.
> 
> Written for the hurt/comfort prompt eating disorders

 

 

He guessed it had started right around the time that they were planning the next tour. No, it was earlier than that. He thought back to when it could have possibly started, and then remembered Brad’s party. Yes, it had started at Brad’s party. At least the thoughts had started then. The actual doing didn’t come until much later.

  
He could remember Brad saying how everyone loved the skinny boys. He hadn’t thought much of it, but he could remember looking around the room and noticing that he was the largest one. Tommy, snuggled into his side, was tiny, and Adam liked him like that. He wondered if maybe Tommy would rather it if he was that tiny.

Brooke had choreographed all of the moves that they would be included in the next tour, and Adam was learning, along with the dancers, the parts where he had to join in. He could remember getting out of breath after an hour of rehearsing, and noticing that the dancers were still fine to keep going. He glared at their skinny figures with longing. He wondered if they would rather it if he was tiny.

On his birthday, his mom got out all of the photo albums and showed them proudly to his friends. He could remember looking at them in disgust, and then thought to how he could easily get to that weight again if he didn’t put any work into his diet. He wondered if his mother would rather it if he was tiny.

They were finally on tour, and it was almost the same as before, except even bigger and better. Their first show went amazingly well, and he was pumped up from the energy of the fans when he looked at the camera flashes, and thought of how big he might look on the photos. He wondered if the fans would rather it if he was tiny.

  
He used to go on his exercise bike before every show on the last tour, just to get him ready to go. Now, he did it for an entirely different reason. He did it an hour before. And then it went to two hours before. By the time he got off, he was sweating and exhausted, but pleased with himself. He was making a change.

The whole of the Glamily went out for lunch before the show, but as he was going to take the first bite of his burger, he remembered that it wasn’t going to be just exercise that would get him thinner. He had to eat the right foods, too. He put it down, and started on the salad that was sitting in the middle of the table instead.

Standing in front of the full length mirror, he swayed from side to side to see every inch of his body. He frowned when he saw the excess fat he had around his stomach and thighs. Obviously, the healthy foods he was having weren’t working.

He tried to pretend to eat when he was out with the band and dancers, but they noticed his full plate every time. So, he forced himself to eat what was in front of him, even though it made him feel sick and weak. He went to the bathroom after every meal, and had learnt that all he had to do was throw up what he had eaten, and then he wouldn’t put on any of the calories. He was pleased that he had found a solution.

Every time he and Tommy had sex, he only felt uglier and fatter. He ended up comparing their bodies every time, and it only made him feel worse. Tommy didn’t seem to notice, his faked smile must have been convincing.

He had taken to hiding under baggy clothes after he had realised how much weight he had lost. He knew that he needed to lose more to be tiny like Tommy must want him to be, but his friends wouldn’t think that.

He started to feel dizzy after shows, but he usually went for a nap and it cleared it up. Then, he would start exercising again. He might have felt bad for not spending as much time with Tommy anymore, if it weren’t for the reason behind him doing it. He knew that he would appreciate what he was doing for him.

After an exhausting show one night, he stumbled offstage and into his dressing room, grabbing hold of a chair before he fell. He closed his eyes shut, and heard the thump of his body as he fell.

His eyes fluttered open to see Tommy standing in front of him, hands on his hips. The doctor had announced that the cause of his collapse was through lack of food and exhaustion. Tommy had told him that they had put a drip in his arm with nutrients, and he had freaked out at being given something he knew would make him fat. The nurses had to deal with his frenzy, while the rest of the Glamily took a crying Tommy home.

Once he had been released from hospital, he had friends and family lecturing him on what he had done to himself. But he didn’t listen. When they had gone home, he stood again in front of the mirror, just looking at his body. He didn’t know that Tommy had stayed behind until he heard his footsteps, and caught sight of him in the doorway.

“Why did you do this to yourself?” He asked brokenly.

Adam turned to face him, and he heard Tommy gasp at his bare chest.

“For you. You want me to be skinny. And I want to make you happy. I don’t want you to run off and leave me for someone better looking.”  
Tommy’s lip trembled. “Look at yourself.  
It doesn’t look right.” Adam glanced back at the mirror, and it hit him that he was thinner than Tommy.

“I want my Adam back. The one I could cuddle up to, who could be my pillow at night. Not this.”  
Adam frowned at what he was hearing. “You don’t like me...like this?”

Tommy shook his head. “No. I don’t know how you got the idea that I would ever leave you for someone thinner! I love you the way you are. I don’t want some skeleton as my boyfriend.”

Adam winced at the pain in Tommy’s eyes. All this time he had been focusing on himself, and he hadn’t thought for a second about how he had abandoned Tommy just to look better. Tommy walked up to him and slid his hands around his waist, stretching up on tip toes to kiss the back of his neck.

“Please tell me you’ll try and get better. That you’ll eat.”  
Adam looked down at the man he loved, at what he could have lost if he had carried on what he was doing.

                                                                                    He nodded.

 


End file.
